This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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