my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
