listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
