i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
