i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
