Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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