Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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