the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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