Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
