I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
