i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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