Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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