im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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