I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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