I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
