I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
