when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
