I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
