As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You're a waste of cheezeits
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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