I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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