I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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