im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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