ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
