just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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