i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
