Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
