Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
