I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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