The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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