Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
