I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
