remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
