Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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