Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
