But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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