I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
