She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i need some magic done to my vagina
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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