are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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