i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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