when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
