i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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