you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
