god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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