I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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