the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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