woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
