So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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