Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
