Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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