You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
