he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
